Monday, June 1, 2015

Here comes the long-winded wedding season….Dear Couple (Humor)

I love a good wedding.  It is nice to see two people you know grow and blossom as a couple.  First dates, meeting of the parents, and meeting of the rest of the family.  It sounds so simple, so cute.   Then he proposes that special someone, and then the nightmare begins.
Before I move on, I am talking about the traditional, man and woman marriage.  This is what I am familiar with.  I apologize if I am getting ready to offend some people.  Everyone is so sensitive these days.  I will move on…
1.       Setting the date.  Please dear couple, set the day that works with you, not with Aunt Mary, Uncle Joe, and the Bobsey Twins, who future wifey has known since the age of 2 (probably has not seen them since that time either).  If you set a date of July 21, and they cannot make it, do not change the date.  After all, it is your day.
2.      Location.  You do not need a lovely church wedding in a church.  After all, God is everywhere.  It is just a building.  What if the day of your wedding, the church burns down?  Where are you going hold the wedding, inside the burnt building? Select a venue that is right for both of you.  Now I do not suggest the McDonald’s you first laid eyes on each other.  Make it tasteful, like a beautiful garden, the Bahama’s, or Disney World (I have dibs on the Teacups).
3.      What to wear.  Men, it is simple…Pants, Tie, Shirt, Jacket (traditional) or shorts and a t-shirt saying, “I am the groom”.  For the bride and her ladies: Dress (white-no kids; non-white-kids), hose, and heels (traditional) or cute skirt and top that says “I’m the bride.” Dear couple, please do not make your wedding party wear something that you would not.  Ever heard of the ugly bride’s maid dress.  Yep, I thought so.
4.      Location of the reception.  First off, receptions are supposed to be fun and playful.  After all, you are celebration the union of a man and woman, now together as one.  First off, please do not make the location a secret.  We, as your wedding guests need to know what to plug into the GPS. Nothing cryptic like “go south until you see 3 moons rising in the east.”  First off, the Earth has one moon.  Second, is that the name of the venue?   Nothing like getting 123 1st street and 123 First Avenue mixed up, especially if this is your first time in the city.  Second, have a venue where everyone can get in.  Nothings worse than to get to a location, and then have problems getting in.  It isn’t easy trying to walk up a flight of stairs, then down a flight of stairs in 6” heels in order to find a seat, only to find out that the table is reserved for a guest how never shows up.  Remember dear couple to include detailed instructions on how to get to wedding and the reception (if in a different location)
5.      It cost what!!!! Do not stress about it.  If you had a budget in the beginning, you will not end up with a wedding cost that causes you to hawk your first born child before they are conceived.  Keep things simple and light.  You want to remember this day.  You can still barter to get what you want at a reasonable price.  That’s what wedding planners do. You set a budget, tell them what you want in a wedding, and they get it done.  They meet the needs of your budget.
6.      The ceremony.  OK, this goes mostly for the people of color. I was explaining this to my cousin on Facebook a few minutes ago.  She had gone to a white wedding ceremony.  She was surprised that it was just 10 minutes.  It started on time, and was over with.  IN 10 MINUTES!!! I realize that it is your day, but this is what I explained to her…
”Yes, because we got have everyone's relative in the wedding processional, walk 10 times as slow, need to have 10 singers before the processional. The baby will not drop the flowers right, and we are having problems with the runner that will not lay down right. We need to say prayers for the bride, then the groom, then the family, lights 55 candles (only 10, but it seems like 55). Oops, forgot to say blessings over the organist, need to jump the broom (because you know it is tradition). Minister has to stop for every crying baby in the building, THEN AND ONLY THEN, we get to the vows, and do not get me started with that, LOL.”
It does not have to be 3 hours.  Again, dear couple, if you do not want an angry mob on your hands, you need to cut it down to half, 1hour and 30 mins.  Everyone you have known since grade school does not have to be in the wedding party.  A friend of mine had me and several other friends serve at her wedding reception, and I was just as happy to be included.  No, I did not walk down the aisle before her, but I was happy enough that she thought of me to at least let me do that, otherwise, we would be there until the next day.  You do not have to let everyone sing in the wedding either.  Get one good singer, have two songs, tops, for him or her to sing, and give her a time limit, unless the spirit hits them. This is why you have two songs.  If you have 10 singers with 10 songs, and the spirit hit every single last one of them, people may have to call in sick Monday morning. 
Do not have the Holy Ghost dancers in the wedding.  Do have them in the reception. No speeches from the Groom’s Men, Maid of Honor, parents, Teachers, or any ex’s during the wedding.  This is why you have a reception.  Save speeches for that time.  The exception is the minster, and he should not be long-winded.  Say your vows, either by the book, or create your own.   This is your pledge to each other, witnessed by all who came.  Someone may be blessed that day by it.

Dear couple, husband and wife to be (or Husby and Wifey as my friend says), as funny this post may sound (or as complaining as it sounds); “It is your day, your time, and the beginning of your life together as a couple, who may have children, who may grow old together (I hope and pray you do), remember these things as I, a single person, who have watched her parents over the years, give this advice to you:”
·         Listen to each other.  You both have a voice in your marriage.  No one should be right or wrong when it comes to finances or parenting. 
·         Have a united front.  You may have these little things called children.  As children get older, they get more demanding.  You may not notice it at first.  It starts with a cry for a bottle, which is a need.  Please feed them.  Next comes the cry of getting their way.  Find out first what these little people want.  Now you have to discern if it is really a need or a want.  If baby has gone to the first parent, and that person says no, they are going to ask the other.  First question is, “what did mommy/daddy say?”  If the answer is no, do not say yes. This starts an argument with the parents. Again, have a united front.  By the way, your extended family is the same way, only on a different level.
·         Put God in your family.  Enough said.
·         Become a praying couple.  Enough said.
·         Do not stray from each other.  There are other people who are going to look attractive to you.  This cannot be help, but you cannot give in to it.  Constantly remind each other why you are married in the first place.  Keep it interesting.
·         You are going to have disagreements. After 52 years, my parents still have arguments every once in a while.  At one time, I thought I would be the product of the typical child, visiting one parent one week and another parent the next week, because of the things they would argue about.  This is why you should never let your children see you argue.  If you do, explain, but never talk bad about the other person in front of your child.  


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