Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Mom. Mommy. Mama. Mother

I was watching The View yesterday
, when the ladies, who were Whoopi Goldberg, Joy Behar, Paula Faris, Michelle Collins, and Raven-Symone, was discussing the topic of motherhood and what to call women who are unable to have children, including those who choose not to have them for whatever reason.
It made me think about the post I wrote back in 2012 called “Monday Morning being single and childless” (May 7. 2012).  In that post, I talked about what my life would be like, if I had done all the things I wanted to do, if God had allowed me to get married and have a baby or two.  I also talked about reasons why going the 9-month mommy route was not available to me after age 29, as well as not getting married at a young age.  I still hope the find that husband, and I hope I will enjoy whatever family God presents to me, and that I do not feel like an outsider of that family.  It is very important to me that my future step-children accept me as part of their father’s life.  If not, that is the way it has to be.  I am marrying their father, if asked, not them.  I am also praying that my own father will still get to walk me down the aisle.
OK at this point I am getting off track, you can read the post by clicking on the link….
Back to the topic…
This is to the mothers reading this; “Never assume that just because a woman does not have children that she does not know what she is talking about.  I am an aunt with no kids.  There are also teachers, pediatricians, nurses, and other concerned women, and well-meaning women who have the mothering instinct.  Just because we did not carry YOUR CHILD in our belly for nine months or do not have adoption papers, that does not mean we cannot offer advice, or correct your child when the time comes.  We are trying to keep your child out of harm’s way, and at that time we have your child, they are our child.  Once we release your child back into your custody for the day or week, then we have no say so in the discipline part, but we still reserve the right to interact with your child.”
To the Women who feel bullied by mothers….
“Please live your life and do not pay attention to what they have to say.  You have advice and want to give it, give it.  If the mom (or dad) accepts the advice without question, great, you have won the battle.  If the child needs to be disciplined, do it, but please tell the parent the problem and how it was solved, especially if you are a teacher.  I know we all might want to smack the child, but please refrain from doing so.  Offer other corrective measures.  There is nothing worse than miscommunication between your version and the child in question’s version.  Children will exaggerate to avoid being on punishment with their parent. Stand your ground.  If they (the parent) says you do not know what you are talking about, just move on.  It not that serious.  I am sure that person does it to everyone.  I feel your pain.”
I am still looking into adoption, I was given some advice on the age of the child by everyone who I talked to.  When I first looked into it, I was told that I was better off not being a mother by more people, especially family.  The only reason I can give was they are mothers themselves, and some had wished that they did not embark on such a task.   If they had to do it all over again, they would not have done it.  That does not mean they do not love their children they have now, it is just that they wish they would have been given more time to think about it, before getting pregnant. I also feel like that the women who gave me this advice, wanted to know why I want to give up the freedom I have now, for someone who would not appreciate the time that I would be spending with them.
To them, I would say:  “One of the reasons why I went into business for myself is so I would have the time to spend with my potential child.  I am preparing for that time.  It is a time that any employer would and could not let me have once a child comes into the picture.  I would not or could not ask an employer to allow me that privilege because that would mean that everyone in that company would have to be given that same right.   It would not be fair to them or me. Believe me, I could not have it any other way, although I do miss getting a weekly paycheck.  I still get plenty of interaction from my church family, my biological family, my women groups, and customers.  One of the things that still hold true is when it comes time to adjusting my schedule, and I had to do that a lot lately by taking off a month to recoup, and revamping my business and my personal life.  It should not be any different when I apply for adoption.” Also, some family members have changed their tune since advising me on going the mommy route.
Look, everyone should be called a mother or a father.  What is the difference, besides seeing a child 24/7/365?  You should be prepared to care for a person younger than 18 (21 if special needs).  You are the provider of that person’s food, clothing, shelter, health, and they should depend on you for comfort, advice, and to teach them from right or wrong.   You should be able to go from zero to 60 in 2.2 seconds when that child cries out in the middle of the night or when they are in trouble.  You should be able to defend your child in any situation.  There is some emotional attachment to all that I mentioned above, and you shall not harm them.  Anyone can give birth, but it takes a lot to be a mother (or a father).
As mention in both my public and private writings (yes, I keep a personal journal) I am so ready for the challenge with or without a man.  I would love to have a father figure in my future child’s life.  I would have some requirements for that man to fulfill, such as being on the same page with me in the care and well-being of my child.  None of that funny stuff.  Both the child and I need to trust that person, and I will get more into detail when the time comes.  That is why ladies, you cannot have just any old man, who loves and calls you baby, but hates YOUR baby.  That is another subject for a different day.

So back to The View topic; when a woman with no children wants to say something about your child or has advice for you, please do not dismiss it, we are only exercising our maternal nature that God has given all of us.  Take or leave it.

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