Health Problems and how the average extended family approaches it. Humor

This is another humor post today.  It is how health is approached by my family.  I want to first say, do not kill the messenger.   I am one person, who like most, is dealing with day to day ups and downs.  Lately, there have been a lot of downs in my life, but it is getting better.  I am in no way a comedian. Nor do I want to be.  They have a place in our world.  Some have a little bit more raunchier material than others, but that is how they see their world, and they welcome anyone, who happens to be in it, if only for an hour.  It helps them let off a little steam.  Well, this is my steam releaser, and I promise to return to my regular posts soon.  It also helps that we poke a little fun at ourselves every once in a while, without hurting one another.  

I have been diagnosed with a couple of things that could be life changing for me.  Before I get to that, I want to explain my backstory (remember:  everyone has a backstory).  When I was born, and I explained it in another post, I have a cataract in right eye.  My parents and I were told when I was age 9, that it could not be removed.  I was legally blind (not blonde, but blind) in that eye.  What that simply meant was I may qualify for the dog assistance program or not (depending on how my left eye cooperated).  My left eye works great, and sees for both my eyes.  I can tell the difference between light and dark, and I know shapes.  I just cannot read or drive with right eye.  I am also missing a long bone in one arm, and have a partial long bone in the other.  This produces short arms.  I would look up the medical term for that, but I could not pronounce it, even if I tried. I had surgery when I was 8 to straighten my left arm.   I do not worry, because between the two, I am like any other fully functional adult. 

I also have Eczema, which was diagnosed at 8 months.  I have now been flare-up free for 3 years.  A rough patch of dry skin every once in a while, but nothing like a dose of ointment to take care of that.  That is nothing to prepare me for a few more things.   I have high blood pressure.  I was diagnosed two months before my Disney World trip in 2004.  There are meds involved, but it is nothing compare to what I call “the ambush” by family, especially my father’s side.  After all, it is in the DNA   

First of all, they welcomed me to the “High Blood Pressure” club, if there is ever such a club.  To me, it sounded more like a celebration of some sick sort of a dream.  All of a sudden, I was getting offers (especially from my dotting father), such as “what meds are you on?”, and my personal fav, “You know you are not supposed to sprinkle salt on that”.  I know I had already cut my salt intake by half before the diagnoses, but they kept on picking and nagging.  (Way to go, familia) I thought to myself, as I wanted to say to the elders (both living and dead), “Thank you for the DNA”, it was bad enough that I inherited the short arm thing (I had two aunts born with the condition, I was the first to survive it), now this.  My father, who had HBP since he was 17, still does the sprinkle (of the salt that is).  I had taught myself long before this to “taste before sprinkling”….

….Two weeks ago, I was told that I was “pre-diabetic”.  I do not know what that means.   Either I am diabetic or I am not.  Please make up your mind.   I had a crap in my foot, my right foot, which would not go away.  Now I am already prone to injuries due to being a dancer.  Ladies (and a few good gentlemen), you are never a former dancer.  Once you are a dancer, you are always a dancer.  You are just not active in that field anymore (or maybe you are and hate to admit it).  Usually my left ankle will swell.  I found out through physical therapy that I had torn a tendon in my foot, and it never healed properly.  It probably happened during the “stubborn” period in my life.  That point where the foot feels fine, and I can continue doing Jetés or rise fully “en pointe” with no problem, when there was actually a problem.  Anyway, back to the situation.

The pain was to the point, where I had to do an emergency appointment with my doctor.  I could not drive, so my father had to pick me up.  My mother was already there, because she had an appointment with same doctor.  I could not walk in, so my father had to get a wheelchair, so I hobble over to the chair, and a nurse wheeled me in.  After a look over, my doctor wanted a blood test, so I had to be wheeled by my mother over to “The Vampire” to take some blood.   Once done, I was given a muscle relaxer prescription, and off we went.  A few days later, my doctor sent an email, stating she was watching my thyroid, and “NO SWEETS”, because my sugar levels were a little high.   I was only good for one week on the “no sweets” thing.

Question:  How do you tell a lover of all things chocolate no sweets?  I cannot quit cold turkey.  I have only told my mother, because my father or the rest of the aunts and uncles (on both sides) cannot handle that, and I cannot take another “Ambush” like what happened in 2004. 

I have already decided to lose the weight (yes, I am big boned, LOL), but short.  I do not feel short, just call it, “I can hit the ground from a standing position faster than taller person.” Stools are my friends, because taller people do not understand my plight, and they never will.  They sometimes feel annoyed when I ask, say the grocery store manager, if they can just put my favorite foods on a lower shelf.  I can reach things on the next to last shelf, and they must think, as they chuckle to themselves, they have the last laugh of the day, as I stand on the bottom to get an item.  Hey, I even laugh, because I do not have the sense of getting one of them to get an item for me.  But anyway….I drink smoothies without sugar (the stuff at McDonalds is not healthy, just tasty).  I put spinach or kale for the iron, avocado, blueberries, strawberries, banana for the sweet portion, and watermelon.  Sometimes I switch it up.   I do sweets once a month, sushi twice a month (big seafood eater), and I hardly cook with butter (even though it is in the fridge.)  I even joined a gym.  So I am getting there.

So when you feel “ambushed” about your current or future health situation, remember that some else in your life will hold your family’s attention soon enough, like your taste in men.