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About a year ago, I have hit a dry spell. In fact, I have hit a writer’s wall. So I was sitting in bed a few minutes ago, when everything that I was upset about for the past couple of days just hit me like a ton of bricks. Have you ever felt that way?
At the age of 29, I was told that I would never have a baby. I was not trying to conceive. I had a fibroid tumor (actually 3 of them), they must come out, or I would die. Well the doctor tried to shrink them to no avail. In fact, my tumors look forward to their drug-induced dinner every month. They grew instead of shrunk, and they grew into the size of a 5-month old inside the womb. I had to go to the emergency room once during that time, and the doctor swore I looked like I was 6 months pregnant (I wish). So November of 1993 was the last time I saw a period, ever. I had partial hysterectomy (all but ovaries gone). I was down, depressed, my part of the Logan legacy gone, and forgotten. I was never going to be able to experience to find out the day after I get married, telling that lucky man that I was carrying his child, and then to go through a 36-hour labor process of pushing this kid out of my 5’ petite frame. Beyoncé was lucky to rent out the entire maternity ward of the hospital where she had her Blue Ivy (who names their child Blue anyway?)
Finally, at the age of 30, I decided that I was not going to worry about it, even though still at the age of 47, it still bothers me when that blue moon hits. So I made a conscience effort that I was going to have that child, without or without a man, and with no reservations whatsoever. Now comes the whatsoever, family. Yep, I believe sometimes these people are happy that I did not have a child. First of all, I am a Christian and Christians do not do that. So I was told. We wait for that man or woman that God has deemed for us, and we listen with batted breath. Well, in my opinion, He did not say sit on your hands, and He did not say that you could not date. Next, there is adoption, but as I get older, I wonder if I can adopt a newborn baby girl. I know that God places whoever in your life that you desire, but my desire is to adopt a baby girl.
Since my initial decision of adopting, I found out that I can handle boys just as well as girls, so even though my desire is a baby girl, I will except a boy with open arms. After all, I have three nephews. One is a teen, typical teen. He is the one I like to bounce things off of because he is so technical and he likes to analysis things. The second one, my preschool nephew, is the same way, except he is now into asking me or figuring out in the “how does it work” stage. He’s a talker, and just about ready for kindergarten. The last one, the baby nephew at one is an explorer. He like to open and close things and likes to get a feel for his surroundings. Typical boy, typical baby. While I am on the subject of my sibling’s children, I cannot forget my little girly girl niece. Very hardheaded, as most girls are, and all girl. She loves to dance in front of the mirror, sing, and put on jewelry. Yes ladies, did you see yourself at the age of 3 doing this? I did, and my niece is my sister’s child. She likes to follow her brother, the preschool Einstein around. The teen and the baby explorer are brothers.
I am going back to the topic at hand, which is what drives your happiness? To keep my levels up (meaning keep me from going into that “I am not a mother” state), I immerse myself into my existing family, my businesses, and my faith. I see my friends rarely outside of church, because I am so busy. Besides that, most go to another church, another one recently moved to Atlanta for a new job, and the other one lives in Texas. That should not stop us from getting together, but there are families to consider (husbands and children), and scheduling time that does not involves seeing each other except at an event or a funeral. I would say dinner, but with the economy, I am sure they are just as strapped as I am. I am planning on having a get together after I organize the place. It is going to take two months for this process, because I am purging old stuff. Besides, it is wintertime, and winters in Ohio can be brutal.
You may have things you love. If not, I am suggesting these ideas:
1) Find a hobby. It does not have to be an expensive hobby. My hobby/craft is scrapbooking. I started it in 1997 after the teen nephew was born, and I started a scrapbook. I plan on giving it to him for his graduation, as I plan on doing with the rest of the gang. From there, I added making cards, and then journals. I have added the tools of the trade that are costly (like a Cricut machine) and not so costly (paper). My hobby is now part of my business line (I have three), but I still find time for others. I will adjust my schedule as the businesses grow, but my mantra is God and family first.
2) What is your passion? It could be that hobby from #1, but it also could be a cause as well. My passion is my direct selling business. I have had it since 2001, and I love it. I love meeting new friends, introducing people to the company who have not heard of the almost 40+ year old company. I find it comforting, as well as rewarding. Writing has become my new love. I never thought I could do it, because I used to get red marks all over my papers in school (teachers, you know who you are.) I found over the years that the red marks really helped me, even if I did not know it at the time.
3) Just be you. No one is perfect, only God is and we are trying to do His job. Do not worry what everyone is saying about what you want to do in life. If it does not harm you or someone else, and you have thought or prayed about it, and it is in God’s plan for you, so be it. That is still my biggest problem I have with myself. I still worry that someone has a problem with the things I have chosen in my life. One day, I was in my mood, worrying if I will ever adopt this one kid, and I posted on Facebook. Rule number 1, if you do not want anyone to say anything, do not post it on Facebook. A cousin, who I rarely hear from, blasted me, and said that I did not say anything about a man in my life. I told her on her wall (and in texting from my phone), that I wanted a man too, but I have a better chance of the baby being adopted before marrying a man. She blasted back saying that Christian women do not do that sort of thing, and that I need to be waiting on a “Kingdom Man” (whatever that means), who through God will provide everything I need. Now if she was so godly, why did she get a divorce from the first marriage, and finally after 4 divorces, she has someone, and she is a year younger than me? Other family members have said at different times in my life that I do not need a child, and none of it has to do with what happened on that operating table. For that I say, if I want a child, I am getting a child, for I have prayed about it since the age of 12, and if God sends one, you have no say so in the matter. Except your new niece or nephew or not at all. I have listen to family members all my life with respect, now it is my turn to talk.
Overall, find your happiness and find it with God’s blessing. Whatever your belief is, please take this advice at heart. This is from a Christian woman’s prospective. I am not going to leave you without ending it with a bible verse or two: Delight thyself also in the Lord; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. Commit thy way unto the Lord; trust in Him, and He shall bring it to pass (Psalms 37:4-5 KJV). Who satisfieth thy mouth with good things; so that thy youth is renewed like the eagles (Psalms 103:5 KJV). We all need happiness in our life. Make it so.